First off, let me tell you...I am not a weeper. I do not cry for little things. My emotions are hidden under a heart of stone. Yes, that sounds cold. I have had so many heartaches, broken promises, and friends under false pretenses. I have a hard time trusting, opening up to anyone, (including the hubs) that for me to have my emotions show through is DEVASTATING to me under any circumstance.
Don't get me wrong. I think by now you know I'm far from being a fake person. I don't put on the happy face when I'm sad, or pretend my kids are angels right after having a fight with them in the car. Those emotions show through. Its the crying and being affected by things that I keep hidden until I'm alone. See? Already doing a horrible job of explaining the background to this story!
Josh and I had talked all week about which church we would try out on Sunday. For those of you who don't live around Michigan or don't know our back story, we moved back to an area in May that has a church on every corner. Like a Rite Aid and Walgreen's corner war, churches are in abundance at every intersection in the area. So the area has developed church-hopping, fit into a mold of a church I want community. Churches try to win members by doing big carnivals or shock value guests like Ron Jeremy at Daybreak Church. I kid you not. This church is in my backyard. We have been 'church hunting' for the last 4 months taking a break the last 4 weeks. Seriously...its a chore going to a new church each week. With my past church experience and seeing these people who shunned me so harshly and threw me to wolves baited with lies, it became a painful journey to walk into a church and see the look of judgment on their faces again. I gave up. Josh would keep saying, we need to find a church! And I would make up excuses. (Luckily for me they were pretty easy the last month since I have been sick and on crutches from a hip fracture.)
We were laying in bed, still searching online for service times, trying to decide which church we'll try. My heart wasn't in it at all, but I knew Josh really wanted to get to a service. We decided on one close to the house and had 30 minutes for all 4 of us to get showers and out the door. Somehow the family managed and we left about 3 minutes late. Which is OK - since it took about 45 seconds to drive to this church. We walked in through a long corridor, only to find the church packed with people standing in the back lobby, listening to the service. With a 6 & 7 year old - standing for an hour service doesn't fly. I turned to Josh after about 5 minutes and whispered, "Breakfast somewhere and a different church?" I could have jumped up and down when he agreed. We hustled the confused kids out the door. "why are we leaving?" "We're not going to church?" For the drive to McDonald's 10 minutes away, I explain to them, we're going to try a different church. We are going to church, just getting breakfast first...
I grabbed some coffee and back online I went. (What did we do without smart phones?!) There was a church that has been weighing on my mind. I had been wanting to try it since before we moved, but for one reason or another we never got to it. I had asked a few people about it with no one seeming to know much of it. We researched it online awhile ago. Google listed 2 different addresses for it so we didn't really even know where it was. I turned to Josh and said, "Let's just go. I've been thinking about it forever and if it sucks at least I can get it out of my head."
Now the things I had heard about it was that it was like Wellspring. Again, for those of you who know me, Saying the name Wellspring around me is like saying Lord Voldemort among Harry Potter fans. You don't mention it, you don't even think it. Its like the filthiest swear word to come out of your mouth. But I had been thinking...is it like Wellspring because of the music and the atmosphere or is it like Wellspring because the pastor is comparable to the devil? I went in bracing myself, ready to jump at any little nuance that would remind me of the cult. I was ready to judge the music, the people, the pastor, the temperature, the lame jokes pastors attempt. I was ready to judge the way they did offering, the type of clothes people wore. Needless to say...I really didn't want to find a church because then you have the obligation to go. And I wasn't ready to get back into the Hudsonville church life. I had become bitter against the church, seeing all church people as fake and attending only for their own image and what it did for them.
We found a section to sit in. If you've ever tried new churches, you know this is an important step. You can't sit too close to the front, or they'll see you as a lecher. (What can I get out of this and can I get someone to notice me?) You can't sit in the back because then you act the rebel. (I'm here, I want you to notice me but I don't want anyone to talk to me. Just make eye contact then move on.) So I chose the middle row, next to another person. This makes you look friendly and confident. You are not scared to sit by someone already established, but you aren't looking for attention and hoping just to blend in. Now when I say we chose somewhere in the middle - this room had AT MOST 10-12 rows, 2 columns and 6 chairs each. I would say 120 people could fit in there. There is really no hiding in a place that small.
The music began - just a three man group, the vocalist also being the keyboardist. It was good music, we knew all the songs. And they weren't performing. Check mark in their favor. I was holding my breath hoping the music guy wasn't also the pastor (a huge issue for me when pastor's won't hand over control to others), but then I remembered them being listed differently on the website and relaxed. The room started out with a handful of people, maybe 30 at most, but by the time announcements came, the place was full. They allowed a time for members to share about their week and any little blessings that they experienced. Each story was filled with emotion...nothing big or life changing, but people just being willing to open and share life with each other. Genuine people. Key words. These people are your normal, everyday, no frills, run of the mill, I'm doing the best I can with what I've been given people. We had a time of prayer and for a moment there I was expecting them to break into small groups to pray, which of course would have been a flag for me. Josh doesn't pray out loud in group settings which would have left me in a group with him, 2 kids and whatever strangers were sitting around me.
Then the preaching began. The preacher was just a regular dude. He's on the Georgetown fire rescue. He looks like he could have a Boston/Italian accent. Wore just a basic button-up and reminded me of some guy in the church who volunteered to step-up and lead Bible study. A regular Joe. His message was on 1 Peter and how Peter urges the church to have certain characteristics. And then he pointed out how Peter was this emotional dude. And I started thinking: He was for Jesus, then denied him...He was his friend then acted like he didn't know who he was and God still said he was going to build his church on this volatile guy, who without thinking grabbed a sword and cut some dude's ear off in the garden on the night they arrested Jesus. One more thing Jesus had to come behind and fix for Peter. It made me think, man, how many times has God had to clean up one of my messes? The pastor's main point was on how we need to get the community to stop seeing 'church' and then relating that to the people who attend every Sunday and to start seeing 'Jesus' in the people. Instead of looking at a person who comes across as hypocritical and saying Joe Blow slacker = church, we need people to look at us and say Great Guy Gregg = Jesus.
As the service ended, Josh and I rounded up our posse, and headed for the door. Just as Josh was walking out, the pastor called out to us. Hey! I don't know you and you don't know me, but I was preaching and felt an overwhelming urge to pray for blessing on you. Key word. Blessing. He specifically felt the need to pray for us to have a blessing. So he said, I know it may seem weird. This is new to me and probably new to you, but if you don't mind, I'd like to pray.
As he began to pray I listened to his words. My cold heart refusing to have any emotion and just be polite and let him say his thing...until he said this: Lord, I feel there is something major coming in their lives this next week and I just want to pray a blessing over whatever it is.
TEARS. Instant tears. Remember - I don't cry people. Even now, the memory of it brings tears to my eyes. He finishes praying and before even looking at me he says, did that make sense? SOBBING. I began to audibly sob. Embarrassed, I try to gain control of my emotions until I look at Josh. His eyes are wide because he has the same tears in his eyes. The pastor asked us what was going on.
I told him my job is at risk. I work for the government and our funding was cut to the point that at least two people will be cut from the court. I have the lowest seniority and although I'm not trying to think to much ahead, it is always on my mind in grocery shopping (will this be the last time we can let the kids have juice boxes), and going out with friends (is this the last time I can order a soda? Will we even be able to go out anymore?)
We spent a few more minutes talking with the pastor and headed out the door. Josh and I were both blown away at what had just happened. We were in shock that he felt compelled to pray with us. That he acted on it. That it seemed just as a surprise to him as it was to us that he needed to pray with us. It shook me to my very core. When they talk about the earthquake in the Bible at Jesus' death and how the temple veil split in two...this had to be how it felt. The stone casing around my heart crumbled to a heap at my feet.
I am at total peace about whatever happens with my job. I have put a few applications out, with no response yet, but its OK. I'm excited to see where I'm heading next. Will God keep me at court? Will He put us through a time of testing and reliance? Will He give me a new position somewhere? Will He put something new in my heart to help me take care of our family? Will Josh be offered a different job where I could work part time and do a better job caring for my family? I am more excited than anxious about any of this. Which is a completely new experience for me.
We are also excited to go back to this church again next week. Johnny and Emma both sat through the service and their only complaint was that they don't like standing to sing. But they were both singing...and both listening during the sermon. Johnny could even tell me what it was about. For a pastor to reach an entire family and have it stick...that's pretty big to me. The fact that they LIKED being in the service with us and not going to Sunday school, that was pretty amazing too.
After our excitement we had a friend send us a message about negative things he had heard about the pastor. I appreciated his concern, but the things he had told us I didn't pick up on at all. I'm pretty wary and would have liked an opportunity to jump on something to keep us from finding a home church. It keeps me from having to get up for something on Sundays. But the truth is, we felt we found a home and we're looking forward to getting to know our new family. I know I'll be looking for those things my friend said to see if there are any signs of them. But to me...if he does show examples of that...it just proves to me he is even more genuine...a real guy trying to do God's will despite of his short-comings.
