Why having a thankful heart is so dang hard

I've always been a positive person.  Always looked on the bright side of life.  I've seen the glass half full.  My yearbook includes things like, "Don't change being the sweet person you are" and "You've always been so nice.  Thank you for being my friend" and "Thank you for being you.  Don't ever change".  But I have changed.  I have been to hell and back.  I have had my name dragged through so much mud, you'd think it was a dirt road in the country now.  I've been told I'm worthless, an unfit wife, an unfit mother, a horrible person, a spawn of the devil and that just comes from one man.  I've been called a bitch, a whore, and many other names.  I've been dragged around, choked and slapped by a man.  I've been sexual abused.  I've been kicked out of a church, abandoned by my friends and some of my family based on lies and wrong assumptions dictated to the people of that church.  I have had to start over.  I have lost everything except my kids and even my babies I have to share with a man who I thought was a leader and ended up being a follower.

But I did start over...

And I am thankful for my parents who saw through the lies, who were also abandoned by the church and friends, but stood by me anyway, knowing the truth.  I am thankful that they stood up to that evil man, who told my dad that I should be put in a women's shelter instead of moving in with them, so that I could see how hard I would really have it.  For my dad, who is normally quiet and reserved...thank you for standing up to him, for saying that I would always have you and then standing by your word.

And so I began the long journey of starting over. I got a job with a law firm doing something I loved.  I paid off all those bills.  I bought a car.  I bought a house. Me, on my own.  I had my family.  I felt a peace with who I was and where I was going.  I had friends again.  My babies were starting school.  After a few tumultuous relationships where trust was non-existent, I met a guy - the hubs who, although our relationship and marriage happened quickly, slowly taught me to trust again. He stepped in and became a great father figure for the kids, standing up for me, teaching them that you protect your wife, your family, instead of letting them be led to slaughter and I'm thankful for that.

Meanwhile, trust began growing in other areas.  I trusted people at work, I trusted my friends, I trusted my family.   But time and time again, my fragile heart has been shattered in those areas.

I try to put my all into everything I do, always with good intentions.  I don't have ulterior motives because I'm just me - an open book.  I will talk to anyone about my struggles, my hurts, my pains, and my sins.  And I began to trust too easily again.

I got a new job at the court, 3 years ago, right before I met the hubs.  Somewhere between then and now, by hubs taught me to trust everyone again.  Which is why I am still hurting so much, which is why today, when I should be happy and thankful, I cannot stop crying and looking for a way to not have to go spend the day with people; why I would love to go back to bed and pretend this day didn't exist.  I trusted the people of the court.  Trust.  I was loyal.  No, there wasn't enough to keep me busy, but the work I had I did with the best of my ability.  I helped people.  I went above and beyond to make sure the people that came in were taken care of.  I jumped up for the postman, UPS and FedEx deliverers knowing they had a busy route and they could get going faster if I rushed to the counter or door.  I wanted to get more and more involved, but I was never given the opportunity.  Instead, I was laid-off.  And my supervisor wasn't even there.  She worked from home that day.  It didn't seem coincidental, since it wasn't her normal day to work from home, but who knows, maybe it was.  Maybe its just the fact that I don't have a reason to trust people anymore that causes that suspicion.

With tears streaming down my face, I was hovered over as I packed up my personal things and walked out like a shamed employee, not even allowed to say goodbye to the friends I had made.  Thank you team Obama.  As I sit here, wondering what to be thankful for, none of it can be materialistic, because without a job, who knows how much longer I'll be able to keep this house, my car.  I'm not trying to be dramatic, just realistic.  In the one month since it happened, I have applied to 39 jobs.  Out of those 39 jobs, 3 turned out to be spam and wanted personal information.  Two of them produced interviews.  I was offered one position on the spot, but had to turn it down since I would never be home when my kids were home.  I couldn't handle not seeing my babies, my joy.  The other job withdrew their ad, again, thanks to team Obama and the uncertainty they have caused in this country.  I should be thankful for the 39 jobs that have been posted.  It makes me so sad to see 600 jobs a week posted and yet we have that times 1000's of people still looking for jobs.  How do you even compete?  

How do you go to an interview feeling like a failure on the inside and project yourself in a positive, happy tone?  How do you continue to send out resume after resume with no word back?  My dad suggested I do follow up calls, which would have worked back in a good economy, but today, companies get so many resumes for their postings, they've gotten smart - they list it as company confidential.  There's not even contact information for what you are applying to, which throws off your cover letters too.  To Whom It May Concern, Dear Human Resource Director, Dear Sir or Madam...  How boring.  How unoriginal. How not me anymore.

I started this month on a challenge from my cousin to list all the things I'm thankful for.  I didn't want to do the obvious.  The 'my family', 'my dog', 'my friends'... but truthfully, I ran out.  After day 17, I could no longer think of specifics to be thankful for, so I stopped.  And have literally been sitting home since that day, trying to think of things I could be specific-to-me thankful for.  And I am still struggling.

So, I guess I'm thankful for life lessons.  I'm thankful for my husband who stays beside me even when I have become a fragment of the person he married.  I'm thankful for my faith in God knowing that as much as this sucks, it will eventually pass and I'll be stronger, and wiser, for it. I'm thankful for my dog who has literally become my best friend over the last month.  She has let me cry into her fur and scream and wail and hasn't told anyone.  She has given me more hugs and kisses than ever before and has just sat with me when I just needed some peace and quiet.  I'm thankful for my mom making the turkey today, because let's face it...those things are expensive and there's no way our budget could handle it.  I'm thankful for my friend Klara who gave me a box of wine for picking up her daughter once a week from the school just behind our house. That wine has been a godsend.  I'm thankful God gave me a creative spirit, so that I have been able to find activities to do while home alone instead of giving into the retail therapy I used to lean so heavily on.  And I am thankful for this house we have, however temporarily, because it's comfortable and I have learned to become a homebody and just do what needs to be done around here.  Today I looked out the window and thought, I'm thankful for the view.  

I'm still crying while writing this.  The hubs went outside to clean out the gutters while we wait for the kids to get dropped off for the holiday dinner parties.  He's not quite sure what to make of me today.  I haven't cried in front of him about this since the first week.    Truth is, I'm still so hurt, but I want to be strong and positive  for him.  It's a little daunting for me to lose control of my life like this...thankfully, God gave my husband a new job last week so he can carry the insurance now, which relieves the burden of needing to find another job that offers that.

I'll leave you with a picture of my view.  The sun is out.  The barn is crisp white with a hazy background.  Kind of like our God.  He's stands strong in the light with the future behind him, not quite able to make it out, but knowing he's beckoning us to our next calling.  Happy thanksgiving.