Humanity

Where to even start?!  I am in tears constantly today.  I think about my sister who is a third grade teacher.  About my son who is in third grade.  My daughter who is the same age as the sweet, lovable children killed.  What causes this?  What causes a person to shoot children?  For some reason its easier to handle the death of adults.  They had their lives.  They had a chance to grow up.  But these children will never have that chance.  The kids who survived this horrific event, have to somehow cope, come to terms with something they should never have to experience.  How does this shape them?  How does this affect their future?  Will they be able to move on?  Will they be able to forget the sounds, the horror?

As a parent, I am mourning not only the tragedy of 20 of my Emma's classmates, but the loss of innocence for the other 680 students in that school.  I'm mourning for those parents who lost their babies and for the parents who have to help their children process this event; who have to sit up with their kids after nightmares, holding them and feeling so helpless, knowing they can't shield their child from this horror.  There is nothing they can do to erase this memory for their kids.

It is impossible to think of anything else.  We've had Columbine - which happened 12 years ago.  That is the first school shooting I can remember.  And I began to wonder, where are the kids that made it through that...are they doing okay?  Are they able to make it?  I found this article when I did a search on Columbine from CNN.  And they feel exactly like I would feel.

I think of the things my parents tried to shield me from - the first gulf war, which I was obsessed with.  I cut out every article about the war and kept them in a ziplock baggie.  I remember sitting in my closet and reading them.  But it still felt remote.  I was 9 when that war started.

I think about the Davidian Branch in Waco, Texas that all burned to death.  I was 11.  That was 1993.  I can remember so many details, people talking about the smell in the air, the strength of the fire and I remember my thoughts.  A naive little girl who went to church who couldn't understand why someone would follow a guy like that.  Now that I've been through a cult experience, I completely understand how easily it is to be blinded to truth.

I think about The Oklahoma City Bombing.  I was 14.  I can remember the pictures, the memorial set up on the chain link fence around the burned out remains of the building.  I remember there was a daycare in that building and thinking how horrible that those children had to experience that.

Even though I was states away from New York on September 11, 2001, I still cringe when I hear a low flying plane.

I remember coming home at night wondering if anyone else had been killed during the 23 days of terror in DC in 2002.  I was 21 and by know could have intelligent thoughts about the situation.  But we all still walked around waiting, and wondering, apprehensively if copy cat shooters were going to come around.

These tragedies seem horrendous to us because we are civilized people.  These things aren't supposed to happen.  We have zero tolerance for bullying in school, we have gun laws and weapons control.  We have strict lock down rules.  I have complete faith in Emma and Johnny's teachers, knowing they would be the standout teachers protecting my children in this scenario.  There isn't a school secure enough to keep what happened in Connecticut from happening.

We as a nation mourn together.  A small handful actually dealing with this nightmare firsthand. And for those, I am speechless.  There are no words of comfort that can do justice to what you are feeling.  I cannot fathom the heartache you are experiencing.  Each time I try, I cannot stop crying with you.   And while each event stands out on its own, I feel selfish.  I feel selfish for being so focused on just us.  Not that our country and fellow Americans aren't important, but its bigger than us.  What about the terror in Syria, Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran, China, North Korea, South Korea, Egypt, Mexico, Somalia... the list goes on and on of countries, who's people live in fear every day.  A gunman walking down the street is a daily occurrence.  We don't have to wonder if a suicide bomber is riding on the bus next to us.  We don't have to think about bombs being dropped on our city block at any time.  Yes, our inner cities know the terror and while many our innocent victims, many are also informed bystanders.  They might not be a part of the bad drug deal or gang wars, but they know their family and friends are and do nothing to remove themselves from the danger.

Its so easy to get caught up in the evil of this world and lose hope.  But I want to focus on the bigger picture. Here are a few sources that make me think, we can do better.  If we can inspire others to greatness, then we can build upon that greatness and become the people God meant for us to be in the beginning.  Thank you, teachers.  Thank you to those who are not afraid to stand up and be counted.

Vicki Soto

Josef Miles

The other side of Islam

Narayanan Krishnan

8-year-old classmates

It takes a lot to do this...but I'm impressed

For the last week and a half I have been working at a wood components manufacturing shop where my big brother Jason is the plant manager.  They needed some extra help this month in getting out some big orders.  In just a week and a half, I have learned a lot about the world of manual labor and about myself.  Let me tell you, not only am I impressed with who I am and what I can do, I'm also very impressed with the company itself.

First, let's talk about me, because really, is there anything else better to talk about?!  Okay - don't answer that.

The things I've learned about myself:

1.  I LIKE MANUAL LABOR.  I have always been a behind the desk girl.  I enjoy researching and computer work, but since working at the shop, I have also realized how much I like manual labor.  The thrill of setting goals and seeing the work completed by my own hands and shipped out.  The sound of the machines and the people, working together.  I actually enjoy getting dirty and smelly. I have blood blisters, sore muscles, aching joints, cuts, nicks, bruises, and two stained fingers, but I LOVE IT.

2.  I ENJOY SEEING THE END RESULT.  In the office, there are slow days and days when you wonder, what did I do all day?  There's no pile of completed work, no list of jobs to check off as done.  Mostly, everything done in offices today involve electronic documents and unless there's a pile of mail to be sent out, it's hard to have the sense of accomplishment at the end of the day.  In manufacturing, I have quotas. I have piles of completed work.  I have goals I can try to achieve, (most of them unrealistic), but it still gives me something to work towards.  I see the items I'm finishing add up and I can look back at the end of the day and be proud of what I accomplished.  When I see a pallet full of things I've worked on get wrapped up and ready for shipping, I know that I had a hand in that.  I can walk into that store or restaurant and say, I did these, with pride.

3.  I CAN HELP MAKE QUALITY PRODUCTS.   I'm not doing these projects from start to finish.  The things I've been working on come to me with a few final small steps to do.  So I don't want to sound like I've cut the wood, glued, pasted, sanded, stained, and finished an entire project. I am a very small part of the whole picture, but being at the end of the assembly line of workers, I get to see the perfection of what we are turning out.  I get to make sure everything is as perfect as humanly possible before it gets stacked on the pallet for shipping.  And I take pride in knowing the quality is where it should be.

4.  I CAN SET AN EXAMPLE.  Although my kids don't see what I'm doing all day, they can sense the fact that I feel good about my work.  That I'm putting in an honest days work for a third of what I used to make, but can know I've made a difference 10 times more than I ever did in other jobs.  I like to feel like I'm a part of a team, to encourage others to do their best.  In manual labor, I can set the example by making sure each piece I touch, although tedious, isn't just the same ol' thing.  Each piece should be treated like it's the first time I'm doing it without getting lazy.  That's enjoyable, to make sure the quality stays the same throughout the entire project.

The things I've learned about myself are nothing compared to the example this company sets for its employees.  I have been so impressed with the way things are run at the shop.  Let me first say, the employee handbook is the STRICTEST handbook I have ever seen; quality control, time-off, employee relations (not dating, just how you treat each other), safety, and general guidelines.  This company doesn't play around when it comes to laying the ground rules. If I had read the handbook BEFORE I started working there, I would have thought - Wow...I don't think I can live up to the standards!  But, unlike most other places I have worked, the management team here makes you WANT to live up to the standards.  They make me want to do better every day I am there.

When mistakes are made, the management doesn't get upset.  Here's what happens.  Its ingenious and something other business' should try to implement.  Ready for it?  They come to the rescue.  They walk over, brainstorm on how to fix it, and help get it done!  Woah!  Who would have thought management might ACTUALLY be available when they are needed?!  The concept BLOWS. MY. MIND.  My supervisor, Rob, is incredible.  He knows the tricks of the trade like the back of his hand.  He's quick to come up with solutions on fixing things and yet really laid back.  Great combination for management, on point when needed, but doesn't sweat the small stuff.  And ALWAYS willing to help no matter how busy he might be.

Not only is the management highly visible on the floor, not only supervising the process, answering questions, giving tips to do it faster and better, but...wait for it...the OWNER is also visible!  He's not holed up in some corner office with plants and a wall of windows, but he actually walks through the sawdust covered shop and says hello to everyone EVERY DAY.  A visible presence is a morale booster.  And here's something else...you know the dread you get when management or the owner walks through?  NON-existent here.

My temporary co-workers are amazing too.  They brought me in like I was family.  Never mind that my brother is management - that connection might as well not even be on the table. Maybe its my good looks or friendly demeanor, ::WINK WINK:: or maybe its just the world of manual labor.  I was instantly family, brought in on all the jokes and made to feel important by teaching me what I needed to know.   I will miss every single person I work with when this job is completed.

The teamwork in this shop is incredible.  Everyone jumps to help each other and works hard.  It takes everyone to see the job from start to finish and the respect for each person's job along the way is refreshing to see.

I would love to work for this company on a permanent level, but being a mom with unexpected demands to leave work for sick kids doesn't really fit in with the employee guidelines for time off.   I would use up all the vacation time within a month and a half!  But I will enjoy the month of December, the friendships made, and the new skills learned while I have it.  There have been days I have forgotten I was actually getting paid to be there!  Only a great business can do that.

First World Problems in Michigan

I laugh every time I run across a first world problem on Pinterest.  If you haven't seen a first world problem, click HERE.

It makes me think, just this week, we're experiencing a lot of first world problems.  For example:

1. We have a love/hate relationship with the weatherman.

2.  We want to go outside in December, but can't get over the shock and awe that we don't need 14 layers to do so.

3.  We can't take our snowmobiles to the convenience store to get a beer since there's no snow.

4.  We can't track the deer we shot because, again, no snow.

5.  We can't ski with no snow for the hills and the lakes are too cold to get in the water.

6.  We want to stay up past 5:30, but thanks to daylight savings time, it makes it feel like 10:30.

7.  We've already winterized our summer toys, so tomorrow's 62 degree weather is wasted.

8.  We go to work in the dark and we come home in the dark.

9.  The kids' Christmas programs are cutting into our TV programs.

10.  We want to root for a sports team, but don't have one worth rooting for.

Booo.  I know.  #10 is a drag.  Thank you NFL, NHL and do we even have a NBA team anymore?!  At least we can revel in the fact that Detroit still beat the Yankees this year!  Go Tigers!

I can't wait to see some snow in the forecast and yet, I'm totally one of those people that are like, "I'm okay with snow as long as it stays off the roads."  Yeah.  As if the flake coming down goes, "Wait, Floyd! Over here! That was a close one.  You NEVER want to land on a road!

And so I leave my ramblings knowing I'll probably delete this later since I'm still in a head cold coma, and have probably made zero sense in today's post.

The real reason I can't wait for snow?

Source

Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow! 

"Wood" you want these?!

 I'm wracking my brain on ways to bring in funds.  All over Etsy there are wood crafts galore and while I'm not quite ready to open a shop, I do want to show you what I worked on today... Hoping to get more creative with these and maybe sign up for a few craft shows!

So my neighbor was AWESOME and shared his business' scraps of wood with me.  I am in crafting heaven.  I have so many things I want to make and have all the supplies I need to do it!  Now to find the time... But Sarah!  You don't have a job!  How much time do you need when you stay home all day?!  Well, starting tomorrow I'll be helping at my brother's shop in Holland, so I won't have daytime anymore for crafting...not that I'm complaining!

So here's the few things I managed to bust out this afternoon.  I have vinegar and steel wool soaking for some weathered wood looks tomorrow.

Share the LOVE
Start out with a plain piece of wood

 Then, beat the crap out of it.  I used a hold poke, a sanding tool, a hammer and a wrench

I put a dry stain on it and let it dry for about 15 minutes.  I really rubbed it in good.

 Then paint a heart, add some detail and the word love.  Turned out super cute and will be a nice addition to above the cabinets after Christmas.

 I also made a small plaque using rub-ons and painting the wood a washed out white, so you could still see the grain.

 This Christmas sign is small enough to be an ornament, I painted it black, used a stamp pad with silver ink for the background, added rub-ons and drilled holes for the wire.

 Same idea here, only with a rub-on saying and some hearts and birds.  Then I distressed it, added wire and a ribbon.

 Most of my afternoon was spent gathering supplies and waiting for the wood to dry.  The next time I have some free time, I'm going to paint a lot of pieces so all I'll need to do is grab a piece and start creating!
I'm really looking forward to getting some scraps to make homemade dominoes, and some Americana American flags.  Let me know what you think.  Are these things people would buy for others?!

Race Update - what really happened

I was just reading back through my previous posts and realized I never did a follow-up post on my Race Day Guarantees .  I spent months training for it quitting once and being very discouraged most of the time.  But you know me...I just kept going.

So here's the answers to what I thought would happen and what really did.

1.  I thought I would twist my ankle
Well, I didn't twist my ankle, but I did fracture my hip and end up on crutches for 3 weeks.  The two weeks before the race my hip hurt so bad that I didn't do any running.  On race day, I drugged up on 800 Motrin and energy gel.  I managed to run the entire race except for parts of the last mile and a half, which you will see why below.

2. I will cry.
I did.  I knew I would, but it was just because I had ran through swirling winds that had just come off the lake as water spouts, hail, cold rain, cloud to ground lightening and thunder.  I'm terrified of storms, so the fact that I kept going in that weather through tree lined streets was a miracle upon the miracle of finishing with my hip.

3. I will walk.
I did.  Not for long, but between miles 11-13, when I was cold, soaked, tired and the pain was so intense in my hip I had to walk.  Luckily, the nature of motherhood was against me and every time I started walking, I peed a little. (I love my kids, I love my kids...) My choices were run or pee my pants.  I chose to run.

4.  I will look awful in all pictures.
 Oh my, this was never a truer statement.   I almost didn't write this post strictly for the reason of not wanting to show this picture.  I had known my face would look weird. I had known I wasn't wearing fashionable clothes, but just something to keep me warm. I don't think a winter coat would have kept me warm by the end.  Well, here it is:

Ouch.  It is still painful to look at this picture.

5. I will have regret.

I regret not listening to my body and backing out of the race.  I am so proud of what I accomplished, but I didn't get an official time. (Unofficial time was 2 hours, 22 minutes for 13.1 miles.)  I was in so much pain the days following.  I had been concerned about losing out on my $40 entry fee and instead I had to pay $65 for all doctor's visits, plus the nuisance of not being able to exercise for two months!

6.  There will be a blog post on my experience...

Um...yup. 

Here's the weather report from the day of the race:
Waterspouts and hail

It started out sunny and a bit chilly, but it was 8:00 in the morning.  Then as we ran through the woods, the clouds came rolling in.  We stepped out onto the road that leads to the lake, and saw the lightening out over the lake.  Then the winds picked up.  Have you ever been sand-blasted?!  Luckily, I haven't either, since the rain started before I hit the state park where we ran a loop around the parking lot before heading back out onto the main road for the the last five miles of the race.  It was as I hit the main road, they were announcing that they were calling the race.  I was just into mile 8 and I wanted my medal.  So I channeled my inner Forest and... I was running.  As I ran past tunnel park, the wind picked up, branches were laying across the path that had fallen and the hail kicked in.  It was later realized that the waterspouts were coming on shore at this very park the moment I was running past.  I did mention that I hate storms, right?  At this point I was scared out of my mind!  Shaking, running faster, yet it felt like I was going no where because of the strong winds.  The hail was like bees stings all over my body.  My shirt with the elastic waist had become a belly shirt.  Luckily I had a tank top on underneath.  I was miserable, but just when I thought of quitting, at mile 11, these angels were standing there, in full rain gear, still passing out water; still cheering us on.  They had been there the entire race, the entire storm!  Knowing they had roughed it out with us was what kept me going those last two miles.  I really don't even remember much of the rest of the race.  My only sadness was that the hubs didn't see me run at all.  He couldn't find me in the starting crowd and he was inside the building when I crossed the finish line.  My parent's were out there though and I sprinted to the finish line crying, not because of finishing, but because this brutal storm that came through, a storm that would normally have me hiding in the basement, I had ran through.  At the finish line it had become a slow drizzle.  I conquered more than a race that day.  I didn't let my fears stop me. (Although, I probably should have, now looking back at how severe the weather had been.)

All in all, I have been told I can't run long races anymore without risk of re-fracturing my hip.  Last week, I managed to run two and a half miles without stopping.  It felt like a major accomplishment.  I guess I'll stick to being a volunteer for the River Bank Run instead of training for the 15 miles in May like I had hoped.  Can't say, looking back on the Park2Park, that I'm all that sad about it. I can say I ran a 1/2 marathon.  I don't need to do it again.

A little bit of home

Hello, again!  We've now been in our home for 6 months.  In the first month, we did A LOT of changes.  Painted almost every room, made over the kitchen cabinets, new carpet throughout the entire upstairs, and new hardware for all the doors.  This house went from early 90's blah (which was weird since it was built in 2001) to a chic rustic cottage.  Here's some of our changes:

The changes outside were pretty simple - the shutters, vents and doors were painted a purple-y-blue.  We updated the home by painted the shutters a classic black, the vents white, and the doors a deep cranberry.

Before:

 After:

The kitchen and living room were a yellow/purple mix with light oak cabinets.  I found a method online for using a gel stain.  My dad and the hubs painted the kitchen and living room for me!  Those two projects alone were HUGE!

Before:

After:

Before: 

 After:

Well, not quite after...we had new grey shag carpeting put in and hung some pictures... Stay tuned for more do it yourself home decor.

I'll do a blog post soon on the steps of re-staining the cupboards, Christmas at the Takens, and a few more rooms we've redone, as well as some minor crafts such as the vintage metal cupboard re-do, the pallet clock, and making your own artwork.  

See you again soon! 

Here, fishy, fishy...

So what do you make for the outdoorsman who has everything?  Why not make the fish of all fish stories?! This one is bound to stay on the line!

I had a blast planning out and making this fish.  I used the scraps from the leftover hat and mittens sweater upcycle I worked on earlier today.  If you don't want to make your own...let me give a shout out to the creator of this awesome idea, MimiKirchner.  You can visit her Etsy shop and buy one of your very own!

Let's get started.

1.  Cut the body of the fish - I used the neckline of the sweater to add a little more detail to the head area.  I don't really like how it turned out since the neck is not as stretchy or mold-able as the rest of the fish. (You'll see in the finished product.)

 2.  If you have a cuff left, use that to create the tail.  I used the bottom of the sweater and just folded it in half and sewed up the side.  I also sewed across the top.

3.  Make a box pleat by taking the center of the two sides and tacking them together in the middle, then laying the two flaps flat again.

4.  Next make the fins.  You'll want a long one on the top, a boxy one towards the back on the bottom, and two smaller triangle shapes towards the front where the gills would be.  I stitched between each valley to create more dimension on the fish.

5.  Because I wanted to keep the neckline showing I sewed the 'gill' fins right to the outside of the sweater instead of where the head and body meet.  

6.  I forgot to take a picture but sew the head and body together on each piece, keeping right sides together as you sew. (Do as I say on this tutorial.  Again, because I wanted the neckline detail to show, I sewed the head on behind the body fabric.)

 7.  I hate pinning, so I sewed the tail, top and bottom fins onto one side of the fish.  You can pin and sew them all together if you'd like.  Next, sew the two pieces right sides together, leaving a space large enough for the fish to be turned right side out.

8. Next, make sure all the strings are cut off and the pieces are sewed completely.  I had to hand stitch a few areas that the sewing machine couldn't get through.

9.  Stuff your fish and add eyes and a mouth.  Then close him up and shape him!  

As you can see, the neckline is a little stiff, but I think he looks quite dapper in his argyle sweater!  This took about 2.5 hours to make, but it was a lot of fun seeing him come together and take on a personality.  Well, I'm off to bed.  Currently working on a blanket, finishing a book, and job searching...  Until next time, happy crafting!

You silly kittens, make those mittens!

In case you didn't already know, Pinterest and Youtube are my happy places.  When I need a good distraction or a great laugh, those are the two favorite websites.  If you want to visit my Pinterest page you can click HERE. 

I recently found some tutorials on Pinterest from Threadbangers.  Its a group of green sewing enthusiasts that enjoy remaking items from sweaters, jeans, etc.  Since they did an awesome job with the tuturial, I'll post a link below of the hat and mittens I made tonight.  Doesn't Bubba make a great hand model?

 

The link to the hat tutorial:

The link to the mittens (and beanie and ugly shawl):

Have fun crafting!

Why having a thankful heart is so dang hard

I've always been a positive person.  Always looked on the bright side of life.  I've seen the glass half full.  My yearbook includes things like, "Don't change being the sweet person you are" and "You've always been so nice.  Thank you for being my friend" and "Thank you for being you.  Don't ever change".  But I have changed.  I have been to hell and back.  I have had my name dragged through so much mud, you'd think it was a dirt road in the country now.  I've been told I'm worthless, an unfit wife, an unfit mother, a horrible person, a spawn of the devil and that just comes from one man.  I've been called a bitch, a whore, and many other names.  I've been dragged around, choked and slapped by a man.  I've been sexual abused.  I've been kicked out of a church, abandoned by my friends and some of my family based on lies and wrong assumptions dictated to the people of that church.  I have had to start over.  I have lost everything except my kids and even my babies I have to share with a man who I thought was a leader and ended up being a follower.

But I did start over...

And I am thankful for my parents who saw through the lies, who were also abandoned by the church and friends, but stood by me anyway, knowing the truth.  I am thankful that they stood up to that evil man, who told my dad that I should be put in a women's shelter instead of moving in with them, so that I could see how hard I would really have it.  For my dad, who is normally quiet and reserved...thank you for standing up to him, for saying that I would always have you and then standing by your word.

And so I began the long journey of starting over. I got a job with a law firm doing something I loved.  I paid off all those bills.  I bought a car.  I bought a house. Me, on my own.  I had my family.  I felt a peace with who I was and where I was going.  I had friends again.  My babies were starting school.  After a few tumultuous relationships where trust was non-existent, I met a guy - the hubs who, although our relationship and marriage happened quickly, slowly taught me to trust again. He stepped in and became a great father figure for the kids, standing up for me, teaching them that you protect your wife, your family, instead of letting them be led to slaughter and I'm thankful for that.

Meanwhile, trust began growing in other areas.  I trusted people at work, I trusted my friends, I trusted my family.   But time and time again, my fragile heart has been shattered in those areas.

I try to put my all into everything I do, always with good intentions.  I don't have ulterior motives because I'm just me - an open book.  I will talk to anyone about my struggles, my hurts, my pains, and my sins.  And I began to trust too easily again.

I got a new job at the court, 3 years ago, right before I met the hubs.  Somewhere between then and now, by hubs taught me to trust everyone again.  Which is why I am still hurting so much, which is why today, when I should be happy and thankful, I cannot stop crying and looking for a way to not have to go spend the day with people; why I would love to go back to bed and pretend this day didn't exist.  I trusted the people of the court.  Trust.  I was loyal.  No, there wasn't enough to keep me busy, but the work I had I did with the best of my ability.  I helped people.  I went above and beyond to make sure the people that came in were taken care of.  I jumped up for the postman, UPS and FedEx deliverers knowing they had a busy route and they could get going faster if I rushed to the counter or door.  I wanted to get more and more involved, but I was never given the opportunity.  Instead, I was laid-off.  And my supervisor wasn't even there.  She worked from home that day.  It didn't seem coincidental, since it wasn't her normal day to work from home, but who knows, maybe it was.  Maybe its just the fact that I don't have a reason to trust people anymore that causes that suspicion.

With tears streaming down my face, I was hovered over as I packed up my personal things and walked out like a shamed employee, not even allowed to say goodbye to the friends I had made.  Thank you team Obama.  As I sit here, wondering what to be thankful for, none of it can be materialistic, because without a job, who knows how much longer I'll be able to keep this house, my car.  I'm not trying to be dramatic, just realistic.  In the one month since it happened, I have applied to 39 jobs.  Out of those 39 jobs, 3 turned out to be spam and wanted personal information.  Two of them produced interviews.  I was offered one position on the spot, but had to turn it down since I would never be home when my kids were home.  I couldn't handle not seeing my babies, my joy.  The other job withdrew their ad, again, thanks to team Obama and the uncertainty they have caused in this country.  I should be thankful for the 39 jobs that have been posted.  It makes me so sad to see 600 jobs a week posted and yet we have that times 1000's of people still looking for jobs.  How do you even compete?  

How do you go to an interview feeling like a failure on the inside and project yourself in a positive, happy tone?  How do you continue to send out resume after resume with no word back?  My dad suggested I do follow up calls, which would have worked back in a good economy, but today, companies get so many resumes for their postings, they've gotten smart - they list it as company confidential.  There's not even contact information for what you are applying to, which throws off your cover letters too.  To Whom It May Concern, Dear Human Resource Director, Dear Sir or Madam...  How boring.  How unoriginal. How not me anymore.

I started this month on a challenge from my cousin to list all the things I'm thankful for.  I didn't want to do the obvious.  The 'my family', 'my dog', 'my friends'... but truthfully, I ran out.  After day 17, I could no longer think of specifics to be thankful for, so I stopped.  And have literally been sitting home since that day, trying to think of things I could be specific-to-me thankful for.  And I am still struggling.

So, I guess I'm thankful for life lessons.  I'm thankful for my husband who stays beside me even when I have become a fragment of the person he married.  I'm thankful for my faith in God knowing that as much as this sucks, it will eventually pass and I'll be stronger, and wiser, for it. I'm thankful for my dog who has literally become my best friend over the last month.  She has let me cry into her fur and scream and wail and hasn't told anyone.  She has given me more hugs and kisses than ever before and has just sat with me when I just needed some peace and quiet.  I'm thankful for my mom making the turkey today, because let's face it...those things are expensive and there's no way our budget could handle it.  I'm thankful for my friend Klara who gave me a box of wine for picking up her daughter once a week from the school just behind our house. That wine has been a godsend.  I'm thankful God gave me a creative spirit, so that I have been able to find activities to do while home alone instead of giving into the retail therapy I used to lean so heavily on.  And I am thankful for this house we have, however temporarily, because it's comfortable and I have learned to become a homebody and just do what needs to be done around here.  Today I looked out the window and thought, I'm thankful for the view.  

I'm still crying while writing this.  The hubs went outside to clean out the gutters while we wait for the kids to get dropped off for the holiday dinner parties.  He's not quite sure what to make of me today.  I haven't cried in front of him about this since the first week.    Truth is, I'm still so hurt, but I want to be strong and positive  for him.  It's a little daunting for me to lose control of my life like this...thankfully, God gave my husband a new job last week so he can carry the insurance now, which relieves the burden of needing to find another job that offers that.

I'll leave you with a picture of my view.  The sun is out.  The barn is crisp white with a hazy background.  Kind of like our God.  He's stands strong in the light with the future behind him, not quite able to make it out, but knowing he's beckoning us to our next calling.  Happy thanksgiving.

Star light, Star bright

I've always been cheap.  Like - really, REALLY cheap...but two weeks ago my job was eliminated and now I'm torturing my family with a new low.  I'm not just cheap. I'm a cheap-ass now.  Today's craftiness is brought to you by the woods, which is a 1/4 mile away, behind a church, because I didn't think the church would mind me going  in their woods and collecting dead twigs.  I might be wrong, but hey - better to ask for forgiveness than permission right?

I love to decorate with the outdoors.  I have stick and twigs all over the house, which will be convenient for when I can no longer pay the heating bill and need to start a fire on my kitchen's tile floor.

This project takes three different supplies:
       Scissors (or a knife or even your teeth, if they are strong enough)
       Twine (or yarn or whatever product you have at home to tie it together) I found twine at the dollar store              
                forever ago and its been waiting for a project like this
       Sticks (find them as straight as you can)

So this is what we're making:

  

Twig and twine stars!  And they are really easy to make, so no worries.  Just a rule of thumb for this project, the smaller you want your stars, the skinnier the sticks should be.

 Step 1: Break all your sticks into the same length.  You will need 5 pieces for each star.  The small stars are approximately 6-7" long.
Step 2: Tie two ends together, leaving enough room at the end so the sticks can be pulled apart a bit.  This starts the formation of the star and also keeps the twine in place.

Step 3: Add your next stick.  To keep the formation tight, one end of the stick should be on top tied together, and the other end should be on bottom tied together.

Step 4: Keep adding your sticks until all are tied together.  I left my first knot with extra twine so I could tie it on to something.  You can also just add twine after the star is made to hang it up.

That's it!  Four steps.  Awesome I know.  Now you can hand them anywhere!

A couple here:

 A few more there:

Normally, there's a giant painting above the couch that I made - very modern. (Doesn't fit in with Christmas.)  I took one of the sticks and tied some twine to it to hang it from the picture hooks, then hung the stars from that.  (I made those burlap stockings too!)

And then I made two really big stars to hand outside.  I don't like them there - it looks to cluttered, but they stay for now, because I wanted to write this blog.  I'll probably find a way to hook them to the garage, or just set one on the chair and bring the other inside to decorate with.  I'm also thinking about making some more small ones to decorate the tree with.  I'm enjoying a bare tree with just some ribbon and knitted 'popcorn' from my grandma for now. 

HAPPY HOLIDAYS! 

How do I say this...

Do you ever have a moment where you want to share something that happened but it was just impossible to give it justice in words only?  I had that happen to me.  I'm going to try and tell you anyway, because it was such a strong impact to the entire family that you just couldn't ignore the underlying currents you felt.

First off, let me tell you...I am not a weeper.  I do not cry for little things.  My emotions are hidden under a heart of stone.  Yes, that sounds cold.  I have had so many heartaches, broken promises, and friends under false pretenses.  I have a hard time trusting, opening up to anyone, (including the hubs) that for me to have my emotions show through is DEVASTATING to me under any circumstance.

Don't get me wrong.  I think by now you know I'm far from being a fake person.  I don't put on the happy face when I'm sad, or pretend my kids are angels right after having a fight with them in the car.  Those emotions show through.  Its the crying and being affected by things that I keep hidden until I'm alone.  See?  Already doing a horrible job of explaining the background to this story!

Josh and I had talked all week about which church we would try out on Sunday.  For those of you who don't live around Michigan or don't know our back story, we moved back to an area in May that has a church on every corner.  Like a Rite Aid and Walgreen's corner war, churches are in abundance at every intersection in the area.  So the area has developed church-hopping, fit into a mold of a church I want community.  Churches try to win members by doing big carnivals or shock value guests like Ron Jeremy at Daybreak Church.  I kid you not.  This church is in my backyard.  We have been 'church hunting' for the last 4 months taking a break the last 4 weeks.  Seriously...its a chore going to a new church each week.  With my past church experience and seeing these people who shunned me so harshly and threw me to wolves baited with lies, it became a painful journey to walk into a church and see the look of judgment on their faces again.  I gave up.  Josh would keep saying, we need to find a church!  And I would make up excuses. (Luckily for me they were pretty easy the last month since I have been sick and on crutches from a hip fracture.)

We were laying in bed, still searching online for service times, trying to decide which church we'll try.  My heart wasn't in it at all, but I knew Josh really wanted to get to a service.  We decided on one close to the house and had 30 minutes for all 4 of us to get showers and out the door.  Somehow the family managed and we left about 3 minutes late.  Which is OK - since it took about 45 seconds to drive to this church.  We walked in through a long corridor, only to find the church packed with people standing in the back lobby, listening to the service.  With a 6 & 7 year old - standing for an hour service doesn't fly.  I turned to Josh after about 5 minutes and whispered, "Breakfast somewhere and a different church?"  I could have jumped up and down when he agreed.  We hustled the confused kids out the door. "why are we leaving?" "We're not going to church?"  For the drive to McDonald's 10 minutes away, I explain to them, we're going to try a different church.  We are going to church, just getting breakfast first...

I grabbed some coffee and back online I went. (What did we do without smart phones?!) There was a church that has been weighing on my mind.  I had been wanting to try it since before we moved, but for one reason or another we never got to it.  I had asked a few people about it with no one seeming to know much of it.  We researched it online awhile ago.  Google listed 2 different addresses for it so we didn't really even know where it was.  I turned to Josh and said, "Let's just go.  I've been thinking about it forever and if it sucks at least I can get it out of my head."

Now the things I had heard about it was that it was like Wellspring.  Again, for those of you who know me, Saying the name Wellspring around me is like saying Lord Voldemort among Harry Potter fans.  You don't mention it, you don't even think it.  Its like the filthiest swear word to come out of your mouth.  But I had been thinking...is it like Wellspring because of the music and the atmosphere or is it like Wellspring because the pastor is comparable to the devil?  I went in bracing myself, ready to jump at any little nuance that would remind me of the cult.  I was ready to judge the music, the people, the pastor, the temperature, the lame jokes pastors attempt.  I was ready to judge the way they did offering, the type of clothes people wore.  Needless to say...I really didn't want to find a church because then you have the obligation to go.  And I wasn't ready to get back into the Hudsonville church life.  I had become bitter against the church, seeing all church people as fake and attending only for their own image and what it did for them.

We found a section to sit in.  If you've ever tried new churches, you know this is an important step.  You can't sit too close to the front, or they'll see you as a lecher.   (What can I get out of this and can I get someone to notice me?)  You can't sit in the back because then you act the rebel. (I'm here, I want you to notice me but I don't want anyone to talk to me.  Just make eye contact then move on.)  So I chose the middle row, next to another person.  This makes you look friendly and confident. You are not scared to sit by someone already established, but you aren't looking for attention and hoping just to blend in.  Now when I say we chose somewhere in the middle - this room had AT MOST 10-12 rows, 2 columns and 6 chairs each.  I would say 120 people could fit in there.  There is really no hiding in a place that small.

The music began - just a three man group, the vocalist also being the keyboardist.  It was good music, we knew all the songs.  And they weren't performing.  Check mark in their favor.  I was holding my breath hoping the music guy wasn't also the pastor (a huge issue for me when pastor's won't hand over control to others), but then I remembered them being listed differently on the website and relaxed.  The room started out with a handful of people, maybe 30 at most, but by the time announcements came, the place was full.  They allowed  a time for members to share about their week and any little blessings that they experienced.  Each story was filled with emotion...nothing big or life changing, but people just being willing to open and share life with each other.  Genuine people.  Key words.  These people are your normal, everyday, no frills, run of the mill, I'm doing the best I can with what I've been given people.  We had a time of prayer and for a moment there I was expecting them to break into small groups to pray, which of course would have been a flag for me.  Josh doesn't pray out loud in group settings which would have left me in a group with him, 2 kids and whatever strangers were sitting around me.

Then the preaching began.  The preacher was just a regular dude.  He's on the Georgetown fire rescue. He looks like he could have a Boston/Italian accent.  Wore just a basic button-up and reminded me of some guy in the church who volunteered to step-up and lead Bible study.  A regular Joe.  His message was on 1 Peter and how Peter urges the church to have certain characteristics.  And then he pointed out how Peter was this emotional dude.  And I started thinking: He was for Jesus, then denied him...He was his friend then acted like he didn't know who he was and God still said he was going to build his church on this volatile guy, who without thinking grabbed a sword and cut some dude's ear off in the garden on the night they arrested Jesus.  One more thing Jesus had to come behind and fix for Peter.  It made me think, man, how many times has God had to clean up one of my messes?   The pastor's main point was on how we need to get the community to stop seeing 'church' and then relating that to the people who attend every Sunday and to start seeing 'Jesus' in the people.  Instead of looking at a person who comes across as hypocritical and saying Joe Blow slacker = church,  we need people to look at us and say Great Guy Gregg = Jesus.

As the service ended, Josh and I rounded up our posse, and headed for the door.  Just as Josh was walking out, the pastor called out to us.  Hey!  I don't know you and you don't know me, but I was preaching and felt an overwhelming urge to pray for blessing on you.  Key word. Blessing.  He specifically felt the need to pray for us to have a blessing.  So he said, I know it may seem weird.  This is new to me and probably new to you, but if you don't mind, I'd like to pray.

As he began to pray I listened to his words.  My cold heart refusing to have any emotion and just be polite and let him say his thing...until he said this: Lord, I feel there is something major coming in their lives this next week and I just want to pray a blessing over whatever it is.

TEARS.  Instant tears.  Remember - I don't cry people.  Even now, the memory of it brings tears to my eyes.  He finishes praying and before even looking at me he says, did that make sense?  SOBBING. I began to audibly sob.  Embarrassed, I try to gain control of my emotions until I look at Josh.  His eyes are wide because he has the same tears in his eyes.  The pastor asked us what was going on.

I told him my job is at risk.  I work for the government and our funding was cut to the point that at least two people will be cut from the court.  I have the lowest seniority and although I'm not trying to think to much ahead, it is always on my mind in grocery shopping (will this be the last time we can let the kids have juice boxes), and going out with friends (is this the last time I can order a soda?  Will we even be able to go out anymore?)

We spent a few more minutes talking with the pastor and headed out the door.  Josh and I were both blown away at what had just happened.  We were in shock that he felt compelled to pray with us.  That he acted on it.  That it seemed just as a surprise to him as it was to us that he needed to pray with us.  It shook me to my very core.  When they talk about the earthquake in the Bible at Jesus' death and how the temple veil split in two...this had to be how it felt.   The stone casing around my heart crumbled to a heap at my feet.

I am at total peace about whatever happens with my job.  I have put a few applications out, with no response yet, but its OK.  I'm excited to see where I'm heading next.  Will God keep me at court?  Will He put us through a time of testing and reliance?  Will He give me a new position somewhere? Will He put something new in my heart to help me take care of our family? Will Josh be offered a different job where I could work part time and do a better job caring for my family?  I am more excited than anxious about any of this.  Which is a completely new experience for me.

We are also excited to go back to this church again next week.  Johnny and Emma both sat through the service and their only complaint was that they don't like standing to sing.  But they were both singing...and both listening during the sermon.  Johnny could even tell me what it was about.  For a pastor to reach an entire family and have it stick...that's pretty big to me.  The fact that they LIKED being in the service with us and not going to Sunday school, that was pretty amazing too.

After our excitement we had a friend send us a message about negative things he had heard about the pastor.  I appreciated his concern, but the things he had told us I didn't pick up on at all.  I'm pretty wary and would have liked an opportunity to jump on something to keep us from finding a home church.  It keeps me from having to get up for something on Sundays.  But the truth is, we felt we found a home and we're looking forward to getting to know our new family.  I know I'll be looking for those things my friend said to see if there are any signs of them.  But to me...if he does show examples of that...it just proves to me he is even more genuine...a real guy trying to do God's will despite of his short-comings.

Race Day - 5, er, 6 Guarantees

Tomorrow is the big day - the Park2Park 1/2 marathon.  I'm sure most of my facebook friends are excited it  is coming to an end tomorrow so the whining bitch will shut up.  The other friends have me hidden on their timeline and don't have a clue what I'm up to.  As I think towards tomorrow, there are certain things that will happen.  I'm not a fortune-teller, but I have the same luck as all the other women in the family, where if it can happen, it will.  (Right, Aunt Sharie?! Right sis?!)

So...that being said, let me lay out a few ground rules for my day tomorrow:

1.  I WILL TWIST MY ANKLE

At some point during the race, I'll get lost in thought and not see that acorn laying on the ground.  I will step on it.  My foot will roll, and depending on whether that foot is attached to the hip that randomly gives out or my other one, I may or may not face plant.  I'll leave that up to fate. 

2.  I WILL CRY

Whether I actually make it to the end and have a teary - OH MY GOD, I CAN'T BELIEVE I JUST RAN A 13 MILE RACE or a - OH MY GOD, I CAN'T BELIEVE I DID ALL THAT TRAINING AND STILL SUCK THIS MUCH, there will be tears.  Hopefully, they won't come after I step on that damn acorn. 

3. I WILL WALK

There is no way I can run an entire 13.1 miles.  I haven't run AT ALL in 2 weeks.  Not because I gave up, but because of my stupid shoes that the shoe store lady said, 'would cradle my foot and keep my ankle from rolling in'.  Great.  Awesome.  Except for the fact when you correct an issue like realignment - it actually realigns other areas and now my hip and knee no longer want to support my body weight. 

4.  I WILL LOOK AWFUL IN ALL PICTURES.

When I doing anything that involves physical exertion, my face takes on a shade of a vine-ripened tomato.  I will be blotchy, most likely my eyes will be bulging and I will be no where near a fitness model's running form. 

Yup - tongue out and everything.

5.  I WILL HAVE REGRET

Whether I regret having never ran a race since high school because I rock out on this one (not likely), or I regret having tried and failed so miserably (likely), I will regret.  It's just who I am.  I am looking forward to trying other races.  You know the ones where time doesn't matter, like the Warrior Dash, the Mud Run, the Color Run.  These races remind me of my drama career in high school.  They always gave me the parts with accents; you can't tell that you suck at singing because everyone sucks when they sing with an accent.  Everyone sucks when running a race with roadblocks.  

6.  THERE WILL BE A BLOG POST ON MY EXPERIENCE

You know I can't help it.  Maybe it will help me get through the race, thinking about what all I can blog about.  That's probably when I'll trip on that damn acorn.  

At any rate - at least my facebook friends only have a few days left of obsessive 1/2 marathon status updates.  Hang in there, folks.  It's almost over! 

ARTPRIZE 2012

Today is the first day of Artprize!  I've already been out and about on break looking at all the fabulous art, hearing the street musicians and concerts in the park.  This year there is a different feel to it.  The magic, whatever it is that Artprize brings to Grand Rapids, is back.  Last year seemed a little ho-hum, but this year promises to bring awesome surprises.

My favorite part of Artprize is seeing new ways people choose to display art.  For instance, this year there is a life size T-Rex, and penguins in the falls by the Ford Museum.  Just throwing penguins in there makes the fountain transform to Antarctica, when the year before with bears, it had become small rapids containing the bear's next meal, and from the year before that where the movement of water created a moving picture on a water wheel.

It leaves us wondering...what's to come this year?!

We have a high wire act strung across Monroe Center, 36 pieces in West Coast Coffee, an 8ft tall motorcycle  and a 13ft tall chopper!

The artists this year have stepped it up once again. There is art to be found everywhere downtown.  "True art critics" have been very stand-offish with Artprize, saying things like, "..." well, who actually cares what they say have to say?!  Beauty is still in the eye of the beholder and if Artprize is a hit, its because the stuffy New York Critics had NOTHING to do with it.

So if you are anywhere near Grand Rapids in the next 2 and a half weeks, come see what Artprize has to offer.  And if not, visit Artprize online

HERE!

Park2Park - Am I ready?

In two weeks I will be running the 1/2 Marathon, Park2Park.

...And I'm terrified.

I've done my training.  I've been following a 12 week training log.  There was a week-long period where I said screw it and didn't run at all, but I'm back on the path.  And...

I'm still terrified.

Of what?  Well...Of the multitude of things that could go wrong.

Like:
Tripping
Puking (which of course is followed by peeing my pants, thanks to kids)
Needing to poop with no bathroom in site
Passing out
Cramps
Getting bored
Crying (which also may be followed by peeing, if sobbing is involved)
Getting passed by a 90 year old woman
Getting hit by a car
Getting abducted into the woods, raped, and left to die with multiple stab wounds.

You know, the obvious.
And of course, these are just a given:

I'm trying to think positive.  I really am.  I try to boost my morale by telling myself things like:

But then I start thinking about the couch, and a book and an ice tea...and running sounds like the last thing I want to do.

And then I think, yeah, but people will enjoy being around me more if I sleep in.  

Tell that to my hip flexor that feels disconnected from my hip bone right now

Hmm... sure. Is this a trick question? Because I feel sorry that I'm sore. 

I know, I know!  You are sitting there yelling at me telling me to 

Suck it up!

                                   You're the one that signed up for it, stop whining 

    

                                                                                                                          So just quit.

Gasp!  Did you ACTUALLY just tell me to quit?  I never quit!  Quitting is for quitters.   

So I will do what any person facing the odds of actually not finishing does...go out and prove myself wrong.  I will finish this race if it kills me. (It might.  I've heard of people dropping dead after a race...granted those are normally real marathons and not these wimpy half-sies, but still... I'm just saying...)

So my motivation to keep training and finish?

My friends who are also running it. Lisa, Chad, Peggy, etc.  And Josh, who's running the Susan G. the same day, and Mike, who has been an inspiration coming back from injury to keeping the FAITH. 

True. Story.

And let's be honest.  I've already paid my registration fee, I'm getting a free shirt and I'm too Dutch to waste that money.  So I run because I've already paid for it. 

And really, I can only hope this is true: 

Except, maybe by the showers since you know, I look like a squished tomato baking in the sun for 3 days after I run. (And most likely smell like it as well)

Happy Trails!